Grief Will Steal Your Life

Grief Will Steal Your Life, Your All

Grief man... that shit'll change you in ways you never saw coming, ways you never expected. Boxing was my number 1 love, it was all I knew, all I had and I was damn good at it. When I lost my sister Kimberly, I jumped straight back in without hesitation and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

My coach at the time used to drop us off way out in county in the damn corn fields and make us run back to the gym. I hate running with a passion, but I somehow always managed. I'm the one that always says, if a bear is chasing us, all you gotta do is run, cause I ain't doing it, he can fight me or eat me but, I ain't running. For training, this was my only exception, I was disciplined to run.

One day my grief was so so heavy, I made a phone call for someone to pick me up from the fields, I just couldn't do it that day, it wasn't in me. That entire ride was the most quiet and disappointing ride I've ever been on. I guess I've never forgiven myself for that, I'll have to work on that, now that I know.

But, as I started to step back into the ring, things were very different. I won several fights and I lost my fair share too, everyone has their day as they say. But, I started walking straight into punches I knew were coming. Punches I was so disciplined to dodge, to duck, to weave, to counter. Punches I would've never accepted before, became a whatever.

My coach sat me down and said, you're grieving, you need to heal. You're giving too much respect to everyone you're stepping in the ring with and you're gonna get hurt or you're gonna k*ll someone, it's time to put it down. That was the hardest fkn truth I've ever heard, but he was right.

I accepted one more fight as I walked away.. My opponent was over 15 years older than me and weighed in at a 165 lbs. I fought at super flyweight division, so you can imagine the difference. My coach had scolded me severely and tried everything to steer me away from accepting that fight, I didn't.. He stepped down and I fought unaffiliated.

That last fight became my fucc you to the world and my last word. I didn't train for it, I didn't run, I didn't do any cardio of any kind, nothing, I did absolutely nothing to prepare for that fight.. in everyone's words I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared and I would get my ass kicked.

The ref stopped the fight and called it, it was one of my best fights ever and I walked out of that ring a champ, grieving, broken inside, unaffiliated, not prepared and I got the last word.

Grief took away my only safe love and I let it. Grief will steal your life, your love, your time and your presence. People say just get over it, or let it go or it's already been a year or 5 years. Until you're in that darkness, until you know how that feels, until you know what it's like for your life to stop, while everyone else's continues, sit tf down and shut tf up.

Death is one thing.. something we all know. But, grief.. man, that shit'll k*ll you. Don't ever tell someone to let it go or get over something you've never experienced. It doesn't take but 2 seconds of your life to be a decent human being.

For those grieving.. I would never say those words to you, but I will say this. Learn to recognize that darkness. Understand you are not alone. Understand it is fkn messy. Understand you're going to change in ways you don't want, too. But, you can find your way back, no it won't be easy and no it will not happen over night, it takes time, but you will get there. Be patient with yourself as you learn to crawl, again. Just don't give up, I believe in you!

My name is Angel and this is MY story.